TW: Pregnancy loss
"It takes a lot to get out of our heads and to heal. I just want to share my journey in case it helps anyone on their journey. Its long and has some parts that are hard to read but it just kind of came out of my head and into the computer. Some scars are unseen and the hardest to mend.
My journey with my body has always been a roller coaster. As a kid I played softball and did karate. So while my body was bigger than most girls my age it felt powerful and strong. As I got older kids became more mean and let me know my body was not the standard and that I was less than for it. It led to years of being unsure of myself and feeling like my once powerful source of strength had withered into being a daily sense of self loathing and self deprecating.
This lasted into early adulthood. It wasn’t until middle adulthood that I began to feel some confidence in myself and my body started to look different. I was able to lose some of the weight I had always hated but couldn’t quite get control over. When I became pregnant I was able to have love for what my body was able to do and the little girl I was creating. There are so many ways we can hate our bodies.
Until September 4th 2018 I hated my outer body. But on that day I learned it was possible to hate my inner body. When the doctors say there was no medical reason for me to lose Elinor my brain translated that into my body failed me and it was my fault. I blocked out a lot of the hospital stay and delivery but I remember holding her and apologizing for failing her. This began a new dark journey of completely despising my body from the inside out. I felt that my body was weak and worthless which translated to me as a person being weak and worthless. I felt that I had failed at the one thing I was supposed to do. Keep her safe and alive. I felt alone and isolated and just wanted my body to not exist anymore (Not in a death way) just in a constantly comparing myself to women who had flat stomachs and healthy living babies.
As a therapist I know all of the things to say to the people I work with but had no room to speak kindly to myself and my own depression and anxiety were eating me alive. Hating my body had so much more to do than weight. That still factored into the thoughts of if I was smaller maybe she would have lived. Again, I know these are all super unhealthy and false thoughts but they were there.
When I got pregnant again I was in a state of constant anxiety and fear. It was so hard to have the pregnancy glow when you are constantly worried about losing another baby. This was during COVID too so I was at each appointment in tears and alone. Then I found out I had gestational diabetes and had doctors telling me my weight put the baby at risk. As if I didn’t already know that or have the fear in my head at all times. Then Abraham was born and my body began to feel somewhat useful again. After his birth I knew I needed to try harder, eat less, move more and I did until 9 months later I was pregnant again. And again from appointment one it was about my weight and health. Mind you, while I have always been big I have always been healthy in terms of a good A1C, blood pressure, cholesterol, and any other things they measure. I was told as a pregnant woman who was always hungry that I should only gain 5 pounds during the pregnancy. This boy came out weighing almost 9 pounds. I feel that doctors put a lot of emphasis on weight as the be all end all for health. Recently I went back to my OBGYN for a check up and she again mentioned weight. I told her I move my body more than I ever have, I feel stronger and am eating better but the scale is going up. She sent me to another doctor that specializes in weight management. They of course want to put me on medication that costs over $1000 a month to suppress my appetite. All of this is to say that on September 19th 2022 we had just returned from our annual trip to disappear and just be a family and honor Elinor and I knew it was time to step so extremely far out of my comfort zone and try something new.
I had been eyeing the Bold Facebook for a while and would say I will sign up next week which led to so much procrastination. Taking that step was all about losing weight. What I found was so much more. I found a community of women that are all bad ass encouragers and so strong. I found that I am stronger than I realized and have more energy for my wild boys. But most importantly I have been encouraged to not let my brain keep me from challenging myself and doing hard things. I have slowly been learning how to appreciate my body more and see it as something that is not a failure and worthless and instead see it as something that has been through hard things and produced two amazing boys.
I make it through classes that I never thought I would and am starting to see my body as a source of strength again. It is still a battle in my head that I fight through so many times. My thoughts of “I can’t do that move” or “I am not strong enough for this”, but I have this amazing group of ladies around me encouraging me and helping me see the strength when I lose sight. I hope Nicole realizes that she has created a space at Bold Cardio Dance LLC where myself and other women feel empowered and safe to heal, grow, and have patience with ourselves. I still have a long way to go but I know I have an amazing group of women cheering me on and building me up."
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